I don’t even know what to label this

I have handled confrontations before; I have handled so many arguments that I can’t even remember who I argued it with. Despite the fact that I have “moved” on from being easily melancholic about things that hurt me, throughout all these – and the only argument I have been having against myself – is forgiveness something that’s that simple to offer?

People say I haven’t “moved” on yet just because I decided not to FORGIVE.

Diverting every issue, converting my so-called misery into things that are helpful not just to my being but for the sake of my mind being busy, coping with everyday life like it doesn’t hurt and being able to conjure up strength and hypocrisy to talk to that very person that hurt you – is that forgiveness already? Is that what people, or should I say “righteous people” like you, do?

Weeks turned into months and months turned into years. But there are still times that sadness overcomes my consciousness and I can’t even stop it. I let it flow. I let it go. But this occurrence doesn’t just stop. Would this be related with me not “forgiving”?

“Time heals all wounds”. Is that true? I’d rather say that time help us forget how hurtful it was. But it hasn’t always been forgiveness that’s laid on the table like choices on a game show question. Bitter? I guess you’re wrong. If you think forgiving requires so much strength than not forgiving or choosing not to forgive yet, well, I suppose not. It may not be harder but it’s not easy either.  It requires more explanation, a whole lot of theory to go through and strength. The strength to admit that you’re fucking screwed up how to forgive and just move on with its shit even if it hurts you like hell.

I tried to forgive. I tried to. But the way I felt it, it’s just didn’t lessen the hurt that still hits me every now and then. People are too focused on me not “forgiving” than the fact that I actually tried. But I guess during those times it just hurt me that much that even forgiveness didn’t made it lighter. The only answer that I can come up with is that, it’s too soon. Well, I certainly hope I just tried to make the pain go away by not sincerely forgiving too soon. I just don’t get it that some people just don’t get it.

Most perspectives and areas of morality slaps me with the fact that I AM WRONG. But that’s how I FEEL. Can somebody really condemn what’s right and what’s wrong just because of what a person felt? Do emotions need to be right or wrong? They’re emotions for crying out loud!

I want to forgive. I want to let go. But does it have to be that sudden?

I don’t think sympathy is something I need, as of now. But hey, thanks for reading!


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